


The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants

by AndyAO3



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Along with some humor, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, And also Potionsmaster, And maybe Bagog too, Feels, I blame Ltleflrt, M/M, Multiple Shepards, THERE BE FEELS HERE, Two Sheps fighting over one Kaidan, you guys are such enablers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-10
Updated: 2015-05-10
Packaged: 2018-03-29 20:13:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3909118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndyAO3/pseuds/AndyAO3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Modern AU. Kaidan is a teacher at the community college. Ted is a bookstore manager. They get along like a couple of wet cats stuffed into a potato sack.</p><p>I blame my Tumblr followers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants

**Author's Note:**

> Ltleflrt, Potionsmaster, Bagog-- 
> 
> THIS IS FOR YOU GUYS. ALSO FUCK YOU.

The first time he'd met Ted, he hadn't gotten with Zach yet. Nor had he gotten a job teaching yet. It was back in 2011, during that weird winter that was sluggish to start. His car had been sluggish to start too. It could be called a clunker if one was feeling charitable, and a fire hazard if one wasn't.

In short, Kaidan was running late for class and he could feel the beginnings of a migraine working its way into his skull from the stress (or the chemical imbalance or the barometric pressure or whatever it was that had triggered it). Not wanting to bother with the stairs, he went right for the elevator when he got inside the main building. He hit the button to close the doors even though he suspected it was the button equivalent of a placebo.

"Waaaiit waitwaitwait," a voice said, just as a shoe was jammed in the way of the door before it could close. Then a short, pale guy in a black Nightwish shirt, a leather jacket, and a black beanie with little felt ears on it shoved his way into the elevator, complete with bulky laptop bag that smacked Kaidan in the side as he quietly fumed but politely said fuck-all.

What an asshole. "Bit late for class, aren't you?" Kaidan asked, trying to be polite.

The guy pulled off his hat, stuffing it in a pocket of his bag and looking up questioningly. His hair was nearly white, his eyes were grey, and he had a grin that made the muscles in Kaidan's jaw tighten in annoyance. "I got a doctor's note."

"Huh." Kaidan rolled his eyes. "Lucky you."

Lucky him, indeed. The stranger eyed Kaidan for a second, then that grin widened. He reached for the buttons. It took a moment for his intentions to become clear, but by then it was too late.

"No, wait, what are you-- _no!_ "

The other guy pressed every single button before Kaidan could smack his hand away, and blocked with his laptop bag when the taller man tried. Bastard was laughing.

He flipped Kaidan the bird as the elevator reached his floor, retreating before Kaidan could do anything further. Because apparently his floor was the second, while Kaidan's was the fourth.

It was not a good first impression.

\---

Three years later and Kaidan had a steady teaching job at the community college as well as a little more premature grey in his hair and a less shitty car. It wasn't a great car, and getting parts was murder, but he knew from experience back home that the four wheel drive Subaru was better for snow and ice.

He also had Zach, who was possibly the most understanding man to ever exist.

Zach was six foot four and built pretty much like a bamboo plant. He had perpetually messy brown hair, ice-blue eyes, and an infectious smile that lit up his face like sunrise over the water of the English Bay. His voice was warm and rich, he was musical, he was funny, and Kaidan believed it when Zach said _I love you_.

Zach worked two jobs, with a third in the summer months when the renaissance faire came around. None of them had much promise for advancement, and none of them paid well. Meanwhile his music went predictably nowhere, and usually he just brought out his keyboard and played for an audience of just Kaidan.

It was sweet and romantic. Not going anywhere, but that was okay. Kaidan's teaching paid fairly well, and he could use it on a resume later to get an even better-paying job at a bigger college if he wanted, or one that did actual research. He'd love to work on something like the LHC if he could, but he'd accepted that things like that took time. Meanwhile, Zach got a little bit lost when Kaidan tried to talk science with him, and he wasn't very good at helping to grade papers either, but he made for excellent moral support.

Most days that was enough. When it wasn't - when migraines threatened and work got overwhelming - Zach would take away Kaidan's papers, coax him into putting on his coat, and drag him out of the apartment, with Kaidan protesting (and laughing) all the way.

On one such day, Zach dragged Kaidan to a used book store. Kaidan liked book stores; the music tended to be quiet enough to not get him started on a migraine, the people were usually pretty okay, and they always had more than just books.

So there Kaidan was, browsing the used games section. It was a habit. He didn't expect to find anything, but he had to look anyways. On the rare occasions he _did_ find things, it made the hunt completely worth it. Like the time he'd found the second Assassin's Creed game for six dollars. Or the time he'd been looking through the music section and found How To Train Your Dragon's soundtrack.

When he didn't find any gems, he headed to the back counter for a final check. Sometimes the employees would list something in the system but not put it on the shelves because there wasn't room or, well. Something.

"Hi, I'm looking for a--" he began, but stopped himself the moment the guy behind the counter turned to him. "--hey, I know you."

White hair that Kaidan hadn't noticed because it was partially hidden by a hat (the same black beanie with the little triangular ears). Grey eyes with more lines around them than he remembered. And that fucking grin, spreading slowly across the guy's gaunt features.

No laptop bag, no jacket, and a brace on his left wrist. None of that made the man any less recognizable.

"I'm sorry sir, I don't think we have that in stock," the shorter man said in his most infuriatingly pleasant tone with an air of having practiced it. "But if you'd like me to reserve a copy, I can."

Kaidan knew immediately that the other guy remembered too. He also knew that he'd effectively lost the current round of... whatever it was. Damn. "I'm. Looking for a game called Journey," he said.

"PS3 title, right?" Without missing a beat, the other man began tapping away at the keys, turning his attention to the aged computer monitor in front of him. The grin was still there, though. "Getting it for your kid or something? Bet they saw Pewds play it."

Kaidan bristled at the implications. He was _not_ that old. "No, actually. I, uh..." Steely eyes flicked up to meet his, and the typing paused briefly. "...became interested in it because of the soundtrack. Austin Wintory's a, uh. A favorite composer of mine."

"Uh-huh." The other man clicked his tongue. "Played Flower?"

"Looked into it, but it didn't catch my interest. Little bit too artsy for my taste."

"Journey's pretty damn artsy too."

"Artsy with character, yeah." Hey, Kaidan might be older but he knew things. "Like uh... how would you say it. Element four-L?"

"Elemental. Think of the four like an A." The stranger looked up just as Kaidan heard graceless, heavy footsteps behind him. "Huh? Oh, hey dipshit."

What? Kaidan turned around to see who it was that the other guy could be addressing in such a way, only to jump a little when a pile of books thumped down on the counter next to him, followed by a huff of breath way too close to his ear.

"Hey, Teddybear," Zach greeted with a crooked smile. "Treating my boyfriend alright?"

Kaidan blinked. "You know this asshole?"

The shorter man behind the counter folded his arms, eyebrows lifting. "Zach, you have the worst taste in partners, dude. This fucker likes _art games_."

Oh, those were fightin' words right there. "Kid, I could kick your ass at Starcraft any day."

"Who're you calling a kid? I'm thirty. And I bet you play Zerg like a lazy sonuvabitch."

"Terran. All the way, since vanilla back in ninety-eight." Kaidan felt himself smirking. "Lemme guess, Protoss?"

"Oh hell yeah. Nothin' like a good backdoor maneuver with a mothership and a fleet that'd make Patton cry."

"By the time you've got the resources to build that fleet, my banshees will've ripped through your pylons along with a small squad of reapers on your drones."

"That's if you can withstand the zealot harassment on your supply depots--"

They were interrupted before they could get any farther in their discussion by a deep, warm chuckle from Zach, who leaned over to kiss Kaidan's cheek as he shook his head. "Glad you two're getting along."

Kaidan snorted. "Yeah, sure." This was getting along. Right. He had to suppress a laugh when Zach bent even further over the counter to reach past it and pull the short, pale man's hat down over his eyes, making him squawk indignantly.

"Good seein' you, Ted," Zach said. He patted the stack of books he'd left on the counter. "Consider these donations, unless Kaidan's got something he wants the store credit for."

The older man smiled. "Nah, m'good. They didn't have what I was looking for this time around."

"Right. Great. Wonderful." 'Ted' spoke with no small amount of sarcasm. "Now please get the hell out of my store before your cutesy eye-fucking scars anyone for life."

It was then Kaidan decided that he didn't much care for Ted's sass, and that he still sort of wanted to punch the guy.

\---

The next week, Kaidan visited the little used book store himself after work. He'd realized that he had forgotten to look at the music while he was there, and that while the books he'd wanted hadn't been on the shelves the first time around, at least the other books in those series and by those authors had been there. Besides, Zach had assured him that the place had a high turnover in terms of inventory.

Zach had also assured him that Ted had been a friend of his for a lot of years and that the abrasive little bastard wasn't as bad as he seemed. That assurance, Kaidan took with a grain of salt.

He didn't look to the back counter, even though there was a clear view of it from the door. Instead he went straight for the music section, and from there he began his search.

Naturally he ended up at the back counter anyway.

Ted's expression was smug as Kaidan approached. His left wrist was still in the same brace; Kaidan assumed that whatever it was, it was either chronic or a decently bad injury. "Didn't find what you were looking for, I'm guessing?"

Kaidan gave him a flat look, before shaking his head and telling himself to just let it go because the bastard was gonna keep needling him otherwise. "I've got a pretty good mental list this time, but yeah. Still nothin'."

"That's the trouble with being all artsy, old man," Ted said with a mock sigh, shaking his head and leaning his elbows against the counter to give Kaidan a feigned sad look.

It had a muscle in Kaidan's jaw tightening even as he smiled as pleasantly and politely as he could. "Actually, I teach a science course over at the college. Physics."

Ted straightened up, pushing himself off the counter. "Ooh. We~ell pardon me, Professor Smartypants."

"Heh. Yeah. Laugh it up, kid." Kaidan ran a hand through his hair reflexively. "Don't think I'll find any of the music I'm looking for, but uh. Got any Bradbury that isn't a doodled-in high schooler's copy of Farenheit?"

A pale brow arched. "If that's all you were finding, you were looking in the wrong section."

"Thought I was. Classic lit?"

"Pff, no. The good Bradbury's kept in sci-fi, even though a large chunk of it is closer to being nonfiction." Ted tapped a few buttons on the keyboard before stepping out from behind the counter. Damn, but he was short. Had a slight limp too; favored one leg, on the left like his wrist. An accident maybe? "C'mon, I'll show you."

Kaidan frowned a little as he followed. "Why's it there?"

"'Cause Martian Chronicles, Farenheit, and I Sing The Body Electric are all sci-fi." Ted rolled his eyes as he led Kaidan to the proper section, surprisingly quick in spite of his slight limp. "We're weird here. We like to keep authors' stuff together. Unless it's a series, then it goes with the series first and the author second."

"Sounds complicated when you're looking for something like Dandelion Wine," Kaidan muttered.

"Good pick. Creepy as balls." Ted was able to find the book in question before Kaidan even had the chance to look around for it, stretching and standing on tiptoe to reach up to a high shelf for it and plucking it down (even though Kaidan was significantly taller and could've reached it a lot easier). "This what you're looking for?" He held it up.

Kaidan reached tentatively for the book, taking it and inspecting it. It was even in pretty good shape. Huh. "Uh... thanks, I guess."

Ted patted him on the arm. "Don't mention it. I prefer Asimov myself." He reached up again to point out the high shelf where those works were kept; not as high as the Bradbury, but it was still ridiculous to watch Ted stretch like that. "Bradbury's kinda stuck up his own ass sometimes."

"Yeah, maybe. But I'll take this--" Kaidan tapped the book's spine for emphasis "--over Lord of the Flies anyday."

"So would anyone with some taste." Ted eyed him. "Seriously though. Asimov. Read Caves of Steel. Then come back and tell me whether or not you think Daneel and Bailey are gay for each other, 'cause I'm undecided."

Kaidan chuckled, turning his head to look down at the book in his hands. Then he looked at Ted, with his black beanie - Kaidan recognized it now, it was a Zero Punctuation imp-thing - and finally back at the books. In the end, he shrugged and reached for the book Ted had mentioned, plucking it from the shelf with considerably more ease than the younger man would've had. "Thanks."

"Don't mention it. C'mon, I'll ring you up." Without another word, Ted headed back to the counter he'd originally been standing behind. Kaidan followed, because he had nothing better to do, and also because he had no other sections he was particularly interested in looking at that he hadn't looked at already.

It wasn't friendship. Or at least Kaidan didn't think it was.

\---

The third time Kaidan visited, he was less hesitant to go to the counter. He asked for Bioshock, and they got into an argument about Bioshock Infinite. Kaidan thought the ending was fine once you thought about it for a while, but Ted didn't like what the ending did to the original Bioshock's canon. Kaidan didn't get a copy of the game, but he was able to snag a copy of the accompanying book.

The fourth time Kaidan visited, it was a Thursday instead of a weekend. He went straight to the counter to admit that the book had changed his mind on Infinite's ending, only to be met with the face of a stranger: a woman covered in tattoos, with the sides of her head shaved and the remaining middle portion of her hair left long and pulled back into a ponytail. She had full lips, big brown eyes, a delicate nose, and a cold deadpan look that somehow made Kaidan significantly less eager to get to know her.

He didn't want to ask, but he ended up asking anyway. "Where's Ted?"

She stopped chewing her gum, looked up from her phone, and straightened up to look Kaidan in the eye. "What, you don't think a girl can find your prissy hipster books for you?"

Shit. "Oh, uh. No. That's not, uh..."

"Relax, dumbass, I was just dicking with you." She leaned back casually against the counter, returning her attention to her phone. "He works weekends and Fridays. Goes to some fancy animation school during the week or something."

Kaidan was reminded of how little he knew about the guy, then he caught himself and wondered why the hell he even wanted to know anything about somebody who just worked in a bookshop he happened to frequent. "Right. Thanks." He left without browsing the inventory, mainly because he didn't like where his thoughts were headed.

When he got home that night, he caught Zach by the shirt in the kitchen and kissed the taller man until they were both breathless.

"...Wow," Zach said, blinking. "Rough day?"

"Not, uh. Not really." It hadn't been. Kaidan was just in an odd mood. "Just felt like doing that."

"Mm," Zach hummed. He was seeing something behind those words - Kaidan could tell - but he didn't question them, and he kept his thoughts completely to himself.

They had mind-blowingly good sex after dinner (although Kaidan couldn't remember ever having particularly bad sex with Zach) and it helped calm Kaidan down immensely. Also helped to remind him that he was almost thirty-six and already going grey at the edges, because his back was sore for a few days afterward. He spent the weekend alternating between grading papers and reading that book that Ted had suggested.

As he finished, he found himself having to agree with the younger man's assessment; Daneel was definitely at least a little bit gay for Bailey.

\---

The fifth time he visited, Ted welcomed him back with a grin and a "long time no see, old man" that Kaidan had to chuckle at. Seeing as he was still wearing the wrist-brace and still had his limp, Kaidan concluded that whatever it was that was nagging at the guy was either chronic or the result of a major accident of some kind that wasn't kind to his left side.

Kaidan didn't ask. Instead, they talked about Asimov. Kaidan talked about the scientific and logical discrepancies, and Ted noted that it'd been written decades ago. Then Kaidan was loaded down with a whole stack of books - half their already marked-down price, because he was buying so many at once - and sent off with a "later, asshole" that felt like a promise.

The sixth time he visited, Kaidan found out that Ted wore glasses. What with them both being complete dorks, Kaidan ended up putting them on for a bit. Then he took them right the fuck back off again because the strength of the prescription made his head spin.

"Ow." Kaidan handed the glasses back quickly; just looking through them at arms' length might give him a migraine. "Ted, you're downright blind, y'know that?"

Ted grinned broadly, putting them back on. The brushed steel look of the frames complemented his eyes. "Yeah. Usually I wear contacts, but my eyes water too much from allergies this time of year."

"What, you've got allergies _too_?" On top of everything else?

"Dude." The smaller man was weirdly amused by Kaidan's disbelief. "A doc said to me once, life isn't like an episode of House MD. The human body's gonna have as many problems as it damn well wants to have, and not all of them are gonna be interrelated to each other all nice and neat."

Well, Kaidan couldn't say that was wrong, exactly. He dealt with the same kind of principle when it came to astrophysics; a star was going to be as weird as it wanted to be, and have as many forces acting on it as liked. To hell with being simple. Confusing professionals in the scientific community was fun. "A lot like astral bodies that way, huh?"

It surprised him when Ted beamed back at him. "Exactly. And just when you think you've got shit figured out, bam. Fucking quasar supercluster."

Kaidan was only caught off-guard for a second before his usual brain-to-mouth filter just shut down. "I know! Or, hell. Finding hundreds of new galaxies because we've finally figured out how to use gravitational lensing to see around supermassive objects."

"Or hydrothermal vents on Europa that prove there's liquid water elsewhere in the solar system."

"Have you heard the theory that the sun might be part of a binary system?"

"Damn straight, and I fucking love it. It explains a lot of the cyclical extinction events and meteorological shifts that we just don't have a clue what caused, and Pluto's wonky orbit."

"Not just Pluto. A brown dwarf star or massive exoplanet could explain a lot of things. All of the planets have somewhat uneven orbits - yeah, I'm gonna count Pluto as a planet, even if the scientific community calls me nuts - but the asteroid belt in particular gets really weird every few hundred years."

"Which most people think is a planet that failed to form because Jupiter's gravity fucked it up," Ted supplied, and Kaidan nodded.

"Right. But here's the thing, see-- Jupiter's moons, right? They're small-planet-sized. And if you look at how much material is in Saturn's rings, you'll find about enough ice and rock to make a decently sized moon out of that, too."

Ted's arms folded, and he shifted his weight mostly to his right leg; Kaidan realized all of a sudden that the younger man had been standing the entire time, and that it had to be uncomfortable.

The thought made him wince out of sympathy. "Sorry. I, uh. I got carried away."

Ted frowned. "What? No, don't be. What're you apologizing for?"

"Your, ah." Kaidan gestured vaguely. "Your leg. Looks uncomfortable."

"I'm fine." When Kaidan wasn't convinced, Ted rolled his eyes and sighed like he was tired of explaining it. "Car accident a couple years back. It's a bitch when somebody wants to put me through an MRI or a metal detector, but I deal."

Kaidan felt the blood drain from his face. "Jesus. I'm sorry."

The muscles in Ted's neck and jaw went taut, and Kaidan realized he'd said the wrong thing. "Yeah, well. Be sorry somewhere else, you're loitering." The shorter man turned abruptly and headed back into the shop's back room, disappearing from view.

He didn't come back, even after a couple of minutes. So after doing a little half-hearted browsing, Kaidan decided that was probably as sure a dismissal as he was going to get, and simply left.

\---

Weeks passed, and Kaidan didn't go back to the little book shop. He told himself it was nothing. They hadn't even been friends after all. They didn't exchange numbers or talk on messengers. There wasn't any wrong number drunk-texting in the middle of the night about pizza and _i lvoe u sos o mcuh kasuim_ that Kaidan could bring up in his phone to get a chuckle out of, like with any of the others that Zach and Kaidan mutually knew.

Yeah, Zach probably had Ted's info, but Kaidan wasn't going to ask for it. First of all, he didn't feel like he'd earned it. Second, he was pretty sure he'd just get told to fuck off. And third, well...

Kaidan sighed, right in the middle of class, for what had to be the billionth time or so. If his students had noticed, they weren't saying anything. A glance up at the clock - analog, not digital, it was a community college with a shoestring budget - told him he had three minutes before the end of the day. Three more minutes to spend inside his own head.

Zach was so devoted, so much better than what Kaidan deserved. He was a good man. Kind, and gentle, and understanding. Never pushing for more than Kaidan could give. Never testing boundaries. Kaidan had only seen him truly angry once - not the kind of angry that Zach got at small injustices, or the kind of anger that was directed at bigots - and that had been when a co-worker who was feeling petty put something in a customer's food that they'd requested not be in it, and the customer had nearly died of an allergic reaction.

Both the co-worker and Zach had been fired; the co-worker was fired for letting childishness get in the way of reason, and Zach was fired for giving the co-worker a broken jaw and a deviated septum.

That had been early on, before their friendship had become a relationship. It had also been when tight funds had led to Zach coming to live with him for a bit. Then _a bit_ turned into _a while_ , even when Zach found another job and could probably afford his own place. Not that Kaidan minded. Zach was considerate enough as a roommate (and a bedmate) and insisted on paying some of the rent even when it came out of his savings to do so. He could be convinced to make dinner sometimes too.

They had a good thing, yeah? Kaidan knew that.

So why was he thinking about the grumpy little shithead behind the counter at the bookstore?

The bell rang, signalling the end of class. His students practically sprung out of their chairs, and nearly trampled each other on their way out the door; it was a Friday, so that was to be expected. Kaidan let them filter out before he started erasing the whiteboard and gathering up his own things to follow.

He slung his bags over his shoulder, locked up the classroom, and pulled off his lanyard.

"What the hell am I doing?" he mumbled to himself, staring down at his crappy ID picture. He was coming up on thirty-six years old, with a couple of new grey hairs and new creases in his face every year being all he had to show for it. Yeah, he had a better job, a better car. He had Zach, who was practically a saint in terms of boyfriend material. A paragon of virtue, all tall and strong and kind like something out of a goddamn novel.

Kaidan only realized that he was gritting his teeth when his jaw started to ache, and it was then that it occurred to him that what he was feeling wasn't admiration anymore. It was the first cold seeds of quiet resentment.

Zach, who could be successful but wasn't. Who was talented, but never went anywhere with it. Who got fired from shitty job after shitty job for arguing with the boss or reprimanding a manager's favorite, only to find himself another equally shitty job a week later because being healthy and strong only got you so far when all you had was a diploma and decent SAT scores, but it still got you more entry-level work than having to admit to chronic migraines on a resume did.

There Kaidan was, at least trying to make some headway. Fighting for some kind of success. He even had a job that would lend itself to his passion for space, for science, for _learning_. It wasn't exactly what he wanted but it was closer than he'd ever been before. And then there was Zach, who was stuck at the same point in his life that he'd been stuck at when Kaidan had first met him.

Kaidan sucked in a breath and quickly stuffed his ID in his bag. Right. Time to go home. If nothing else, he needed to talk to Zach about everything.

\---

He got back to the apartment, and Zach was cross-legged on the couch with a laptop balanced on his knees. Whatever he was working on couldn't be too important though; Kaidan didn't miss the way Zach craned his neck when he heard the door open, perking up like an eager puppy.

"Kaidan, hey!" The laptop snapped shut and Zach had barely put it down before he was bounding over to meet Kaidan at the door. All bright eyes and messy hair, like always.

It made Kaidan feel like such an asshole that he could barely smile back. "Hey." He bent to put his bags down, and Zach paused mid-step with a slight frown.

"You okay? Uh, long day at work?" Kaidan shook his head in answer, and Zach's brow furrowed. "...No? Alright. D'you wanna maybe, I dunno, talk about it?"

Not really, no. Kaidan didn't necessarily want to talk about any of it. But if he didn't bring it up - if it didn't get talked about - then it'd fester and rot. His experience with Rahna came to mind, and he grimaced at the memory. "Yeah, we should probably talk."

It hardly even took a moment for Zach to get that things were serious. Straightening his posture, the taller man gave Kaidan a quick nod before he went over to the kitchen's small excuse for a bar area, grabbed a couple of stools, and came back to set them down smack in the middle of the walkway, a few feet apart from each other.

Then he turned the one that he'd gotten for himself around so it was backwards, and eased into it with a leg on either side of the stool's short back, his arms leaned on the top of it and his head propped up in his hands.

"'Kay then. Talk to me."

Kaidan blinked slowly, looking between Zach and the offered chair. He let his hand rest on the back of it, tapping his fingertips against the wood.

He had a choice to make, didn't he? Keep the good thing he had, which he could admit was probably the best he'd had in a lot of years - stay with the heroic type who would never hurt him intentionally - or let it go, in favor of...

Of what, exactly? In favor of Ted? No, Ted was just the catalyst. He was the thing that made Kaidan realize just how much he was missing in his life, even though he had everything pretty much sorted out.

There was the problem. Kaidan was content with his life. He was just _okay_. He was okay with Zach and okay with his apartment and okay with his job. He wasn't in a bad spot at all, and he knew he should be happier about that. Especially considering how far he'd come in relation to where he'd started.

It was selfish to want more, and Kaidan knew it. Moreso to throw away what he had just to get more. "...Sorry, Zach. It's nothing. Really." Kaidan made himself look up from the chair, forced himself to meet Zach's eyes. "You know I love you, right?"

Something in Zach's expression shifted, and he sat up a little straighter in the chair as he peered at Kaidan. It felt to Kaidan like the younger man was seeing right through him. Then Zach smiled, but it wasn't the usual bright thing that could light up a room like Kaidan remembered. It was sad, small, and sympathetic.

Kaidan could tell that Zach had read him like a book, and the knowledge tightened his chest. He hadn't been lying; there was still love there. Just...

"I don't think we mean the same thing when we say that to each other," Zach admitted.

Yeah, that wasn't a lie either. "How is it that you always get what I'm not saying?"

"It's a gift," Zach said with a slight shrug. "Besides, you've been acting grim for a couple weeks now. For a while you were really animated and then you just..." Zach gestured to indicate a downward flop with his hands and blew a raspberry. "Pptthtbt. Like that."

"So..." Kaidan felt lost. He hadn't known what to expect, but acceptance? Understanding? He'd geared himself up for more of a fight. "Now what?"

Zach smirked, and while it was still sad it was also kind of amused at the same time. "I dunno, you tell me. What do you want, Kaidan?"

Great. Leaving the decision entirely up to him. Like he even knew what he wanted. Kaidan sighed heavily, moving to finally pull himself up into the barstool-chair Zach had gotten for him. "I think... I dunno. 'Cause, I mean. We've got a good thing here, y'know? And it feels like a waste to just leave it all behind."

"Not really. If you're not happy then you're not happy." Zach shrugged again. "Seems simple to me."

Kaidan gave him a pained look. "Zach, life isn't that simple."

For the first time that Kaidan could remember, Zach turned a glare on him. A real glare, with real anger and hurt behind it. But in a flash it was gone, as Zach turned his head quickly to avert his eyes. "Look, I'm gonna head out, alright?" The taller man started to get up out of the chair, picking it up to take it back to its place at the counter. "If you want this to keep going between us, great. Text me by Sunday. If not--"

Kaidan gawked. "You're leaving?"

Zach whipped his head around to shoot Kaidan another glare. "Damn straight I'm leaving, 'cause right now your head's up your ass." It looked for a second like he was about to hit Kaidan with the chair. He didn't, but Kaidan could see the thought cross his mind, could see Zach's grip on the wood tighten briefly. "This-- this _thing_ we have? Something about it isn't enough for you. You're just holding onto the idea of it because you don't want to hurt me."

"But that's the thing, Zach. I really don't--"

" _No_. You know what hurts more? You know what's more insulting?" Zach held up the chair horizontally, and it swung to where one leg of it was mere inches from Kaidan's nose. The motion caused Kaidan to jerk back out of sheer reflex. "Seeing that you're just going through the motions because you're afraid I can't handle you asking for a little space."

There was silence after that, Kaidan getting a knot in his brow as he caught himself wondering if he really had been treating Zach like... like a kid who didn't know better. And, Jesus, he actually might've been doing just that.

"Text me if you decide you want me back," Zach said, turning away again. He walked back to the bar and put the chair down, then came back only to walk past Kaidan and pull his hoodie off of the secondhand coat rack. "Otherwise... I'll just. Be back to pick up my stuff on Monday, I guess."

Kaidan didn't watch him go, and didn't say goodbye. He heard Zach's car start up outside, heard him drive off, and yet he still didn't move from that chair for a long while. When he finally did move, the only thing he did before heading out the door himself was reach into his bag to grab his keys.

The bookstore was open till eight, right?

\---

The seventh time Kaidan visited the bookstore, he hesitated outside the door. It was a Friday, so Ted would be working. But would Ted even want to see him?

Honestly, he didn't care. He just needed to be someplace that wasn't the apartment. Kaidan took a deep breath to steady himself, and then he stepped inside, greeted by the cheery jingling of the pair of bells tied to the doorframe.

And behind the counter, there was Ted. Black beanie, Assassin's Creed shirt, glasses and all. He looked up when Kaidan came in, and his expression creased with a tight frown. "The hell have you been, jackass?"

Kaidan stared blankly for a second, but then he began to smile. He felt a helpless laugh bubble up from somewhere in his chest. Because Ted had gotten himself a chair to take the weight off of his leg when he was behind the counter.

"...Yeah, that doesn't sound hysterical at all." Ted rolled his eyes. "Alright, spill. What's up."

All the smiling had to be making Kaidan look kind of insane, huh? "I'm... pretty sure I just got dumped, actually."

"Shit. Okay." Almost immediately, Ted had hopped down from his chair - it was an old office chair, and the worn, cracked leather had a really bad hole in it that had been patched with duct tape - and pulled a ring of keys out of his pocket to lock the register. Then he did a hard shutdown of the computer by unplugging it.

Kaidan cocked his head to the side curiously. "Closin' up shop already? It's only about six last I checked."

"Slow night. Most people go to the chain store on Grand Avenue. This place is pretty much a hole in the wall." Pocketing his keys again, Ted stepped out from behind the counter. He still had the wrist brace and the limp. "Want me to get Jack to key his car? Slash his tires?"

"No, that uh... That won't be necessary. S'my fault."

"Well, whatever. Your call." Ted shrugged, but Kaidan had a feeling the guy might try and key Zach's car anyway. "Break-ups call for either bad movie night or a Doctor Who marathon. Got Netflix?"

"Never bothered with it. I generally go with pay-per-view." There didn't seem to be anything on Netflix that Kaidan wanted to watch. Then again, maybe he was just getting old and bitter about technology. He remembered when cell phones looked like bricks.

Ted's nose crinkled in distaste. "Dude, no. Ew. Okay, we're headed to my place then." He paused. "If... that's okay with you?"

Even if it wasn't, would that have stopped him? "It's fine." It did make Kaidan wonder, though. "But I gotta ask-- why're you doing all this for me?"

Ted blinked rapidly, and then he frowned as if the answer were obvious. "'Cause you're my friend, dumbass."

It was the best thing Kaidan had heard all day.

 


End file.
